As I sit here in a coffee shop by myself, (I KNOW! What’s next? Human sacrifice? Dogs and cats living together…mass hysteria!), on my 39th birthday, I want to not just think about what I wish for, but what my intentions are for the last year of my thirties. After all, intentions are the building blocks to the reality you create.
I have had a great decade. My thirties have been a time of growth and prosperity. I went to college and graduated with a degree in art, I got married to the man of my dreams, I had two awesome kids, we bought two wonderful houses, I traveled. Sure I had some major losses, the death of my mom is the biggest, but I have had many, many more incredible gains. I want to round out my thirties with a running momentum-filled leap of prosperity into my forties.
Right now I’m in a coffee shop called the Wayward Cafe in Seattle. I love this place, not only because it is the only place I know with a Firefly theme (I KNOW RIGHT?!), but it also has some lovely art on the walls right now. And that inspires me to make the intention to do more art this year. I love doing art, but I have barely eeked out so much as a teensy little drawing since graduating from UW with a degree in Interdisciplinary Visual Art. I think it’s partly because, even though IVA should have been a super fun and creative major, the building block classes that I was required to take were quite mundane and dry. I think I could only take so much in the still life/figural drawings with charcoal-type practice art, and had to take a long break. I also think that it’s not that easy to have messy non-kid-friendly art supplies lying around, so I don’t usually bother. But PISH I say! I am going to find a way to make art happen this year, and it doesn’t have to be painting if that’s too hard right now, it can be sewing, it can be paper art, it can be more refurbishing of cool furniture. I just want to be creative.
I want to write more. It has been so wonderful starting this blog! I love to write, and I have a lot to say. I have also been “writing” a book for a while now. It’s a young adult book that I started writing right before my mom died. I stopped writing it for the most part because I had the excuse of babies and grief, but I don’t want excuses anymore! It’s started and I want to continue it (if now finish it). I think that writing this blog is a great outlet to get me writing more, and I look forward to continuing this as well.
I want to continue my healing. I think I’ve done a good job healing from grief after my mom passed, and this happened, which was a major shift for me, but I feel like there is so much to do. I want to continue to heal any lingering crap that I deal with on a daily basis. Sometimes it feels like a tornado of crap, sometimes it feels like a light dusting of crap. But, I think I’m done having crap in my life. No more!
I want to be a more patient person. And I am thinking about my kids when I write this. I am tested a gazillion times a day. Bajillion, really. And sometimes I pass with flying colors and do a little happy dance, but a lot of times I look and feel like a tired zombie-meanie-mom who just wants to snap at them for climbing on the counter for the hundredth time or for having a temper tantrum for no actual visible reason. I think I need the patience of Mother Theresa and have not illusions that that’s how I’ll actually be, but a little more patience for now with suffice.
I want to continue to have a great relationship with Brennan. I think that in the last 3 ½ years (hey, isn’t that the same amount of time we’ve had children? Huh, go figure), we’ve struggled to maintain smoothness in our relating with one another. It’s been more of a “let’s survive this day of pandemonium so we can get to the next day of pandemonium” thing with us. I do not want to have the energy of survival in my family and my marriage, I want the uplifting energy of THRIVING. I want to take a breath, bring some peace to our house, and more connection with us.
Finally, I want to just learn to BE. I actually really struggle with that. I tend to let my internal voice get me down, or let the external (ie: internet, facebook, the latest episode of Who Cares tv), influence me and divert my attention. I want to stay in the moment, be present, and just be who I am. That would be lovely.
SO. Here’s the list of my birthday intentions (in no particular order):
1 . Art
2 . Writing
3 . Healing
4 . Patience
5 . Relationship
6 . Being
I’m going to do it people! Happy birthday to me!